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                     -사진. 해뜨는 앙코르 왓

어떻게들 지내십니까?
유가 상승으로 인해 우리나라 경제가 전반적으로 침체기에 접어들어 출판시장 또한 전에 없이 위축되고 있다는 소식 들었습니다. 여기 이 게시판에 밤낮으로 올라오는 그 희한한 스팸들, 기계의 장난이라고는 하지만 일편단심(?) 딱 그 만큼만 무모하고 집요하게 대시해 나간다면 언젠가는 이 난세도 끝을 보이지  않을까 싶습니다. 상암동에서 벌어지는 경기만 보면 이안의 사무실과 그 안에서 땀흘리는 사람들을 떠돌립니다. 계절은 어느새 여름입니다.

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내겐 왼쪽 귀를 앓는 아들도 없고, 정신과 약을 먹는 어머니도 없다. 부도를 내고 택시를 운전하는 오빠도, 가출한 형제도, 이혼을 걱정하는 동생도 없다. 종일 애태우며 전화를 기다리는 애인도 없고 채팅클럽에서 만난 팬도 없다.

나는 비밀통장을 가지고 있으며, 비밀통장보다 더 비밀한 세계여행대백과사전 책갈피에 일년 열두 달 언제든 지구 끝으로 날아갈 수 있는 티켓을 고이 숨겨두고 있다.

아파도 아프지 않다고 말하는 나를 때로는 나도 연민한다. 울다가 웃는 나와, 웃다가 우는 내가 나에게 드리워진 그늘이 깊어질 때면 나는 내가 가진 것들을 하나하나 나열하며 위안의 실마리를 찾는다.

울면서 웃을 수 있는 방법을 배우지 못했더라면 나는 지금보다 더 불행했을 지도 모른다.  신의 분배에 아무 이의도 없다. 나는 어느새 세상의 반을 가졌고, 아직도 세상의 반을 가지지 못했다.
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  내가 가진 것 / 노준옥


  내게는 왼쪽 귀를 앓는 아들과 불면증이 있는 남편이 있다. 정신병원에서 약을 타 먹어야하는 어머니가 있고 이혼의 위기에 처한 동생이 있다. 내게는 부도가 나고 택시기사가 된 오빠가 있고 어릴 때 집을 나가 소식 없는 소아마비의 언니가 있다. 나를 건너간 숱한 연인들 대신 내게는 하루종일 나의 전화만을 기다리며 애태우는 싱싱한 젊은 애인들이 있다. 나를 친구로 등록한 아홉 명의 채팅클럽 팬들과 내가 친구로 지명한 세 명의 친구가 있다.

  내게는 적막한 세상 한 끝으로 달려가 영영 숨어버리고 싶은 돌아오고 싶지 않은 강렬한 유혹이 있다. 18시간을 날아가는 비행기표를 예약할 비상금이 든 자유저축 예금 통장이 있다. 내게는 망치로 잘게 부순 듯 가루가 되어버린 몹쓸 기억이 있고 불륜에 대한 알 수 없는 강박관념이 있다. 신호등 앞에서 어딘지 갈 바를 모르는 추위에 겹쳐 신은 <천년을 산 것보다 더 많은 추억>이 있다. 누구는 어미를 잃어버린 *아기 거미를 보고 안쓰러이 쓸어내며 눈물지었다는데 내게는 나를 담금질해버린 나를 말없이 쓸어 내버린 비디오가 있다. 단막극이 있다.

  내게는 길지도 않는 팔을 둘러 스스로 내 몸을 껴안아 보는 숭스런 자기연민이 있다. 개구리로 살며 창창한 푸른 하늘만이 전부였던 돌멩이로 메워버린 깊은 우물의 신음소리가 있다. 나의 하루를 몰래 카메라로 훔쳐보며 키득거릴 또 다른 내가 있고 통쾌해서 박수를 치다가 가여워 눈물을 흘리는 또 다른 내가 있다.




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